EXT. DAY - THE SUBURBS

FADE IN: A suburban neighborhood.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          Hi! I'm Donny Osmond. You
          know, when I'm not busy
          offering low-interest loans
          to college-bound seniors down
          at the local schoolyard, I
          like to wander from street to
          street and take a look at the
          local wildlife. Come along!

He enters a suburban yard with a DECORATIVE WAIST-HIGH FENCE separating back and front yards.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          Something you may not see as
          you drive by this suburban
          yard is the multitude of
          giant three-foot-long
          chameleoid lizards.

A green square of lawn. No lizard in sight. Suddenly a perfectly camouflaged THREE-FOOT-LONG LIZARD twitches slightly, then turns to face us in alarm, then bounds away, climbing along the fence before disappearing behind a shrubbery.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          These often neglected cold-
          blooded denizens of our
          animal kingdom like to wander
          from yard to yard in search
          of shade, and small children.

CRIES OF NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN are heard. Shot of the top of the fence as a lizard head pops up, looks both ways, then disappears.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          They may not be cuddly, but
          these flesh-eating monsters
          are vital for balancing our
          local ecosystems, and
          terrifying us and our pets.

Off-screen SHOUTS AND MAYHEM. Donny quickly moves to an open window with a BIRTHDAY CAKE in it.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          Well, that's all for now. See
          ya on the corner!

He turns and sees the cake.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          Hm, now what's wrong with
          this picture?...Awwww, I
          think there's a hungry lizard
          out there lookin' for a
          treat. Am I right?

A lizard on the opposite side of the yard pops up and looks his way.

                      DONNY OSMOND
          C'mon, big guy! Give ya a boost!

Donny gestures for the lizard to come over. The Lizard bears down and races toward Donny, faster and faster, and as Donny's smiling visage gets closer and closer he leaps with jaws spread wide and...

CUT to black. FADE UP on Donny and the Lizard on the lawn. Donny sits cross-legged, while the Lizard sits happily in his lap panting like a puppy. Its ears perk up as it hears a dog barking across the street. The Lizard immediately bounds away, revealing a huge cartoon chew-indented hole in Donny's torso, through which we can see the birthday cake still resting on the open windowsill. Donny waves goodbye.

END.