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HOW LOS ANGELES HELPED ME GROW AS AN INDIVIDUAL Los Angeles! Wild mecca! Woopy firkin fit to bust! Friggin’ crap city! So one afternoon when the weather was clear I went for a hike in Navarro Canyon above West Hollywood. It was nice out so as I proceeded down a path of reddish Los Angeles rocks, I pulled one from the ground, as a souvenir. Like an iceberg, more was buried than revealed and as I pulled it up, it broke and cut my hand. I bled all the way home, then dressed the wound in the bathroom and put the broken bits of Los Angeles rock on the countertop. Two months later I was sitting on the toilet seat and, well, of course every toilet seat has two knobs on the underside which are its only points of contact with the porcelain. Depending on how you sit the knobs form a fulcrum distributing your weight either in front or behind the knobs, and this seat had had god knows how many guests, and what with one thing and another and the fact that it was probably old and very cheaply made, it broke on one side forming a little crevasse which pinched my ass. And as luck would have it one of those bits of Los Angeles rock, still there on the bathroom counter, was of exactly the right size to hold up that toilet seat, thus obviating any ass-pinchage.
It stayed there for two months. I was not in the right financial bracket to be able to afford a new toilet seat. I thought so anyway – then one day I visited Home Depot, saw that a new toilet seat cost only six bucks and so, ashamed, I shoplifted one, hiding it in |